Promoted to Heaven

Kregg died in a hospice on June 16, 2011. Although he had many visitors everyday, he died alone. I know he wanted to be alone. He wouldn't have wanted anyone to see him go. He would have felt like that would have been a burden on someone. He never wanted to be a burden to anyone.
My brother Kevin prepared and presented a beautiful tribute as pastor and brother to Kregg at a graveside service the morning of Saturday, June 18th. Kregg was honored and buried by his family and close friends at Milton Fields in Milton, Georgia.
Kregg's battle with cancer required much faith and courage and he showed us just how much he had. He lived longer than any of the doctors anticipated. Today we will live our lives with memories of Kregg in our hearts and I pray all of us will have more faith and courage because of how he lived his life.

Written by my sister Kelly

So I took a few days to get away with the kids. I needed a break. I needed to take some time to breath and get some air. Many of you have asked how my brother Kregg is doing. He as you know was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer 2 years ago in July. He has fought hard. He has done everything the doctors asked him to do. But in March they finally said, there is nothing left ~ no medicine, no treatments, nothing can prolong the inevitable. The news came the day before his 52nd birthday. And so for the last few months he went home and has been living his life. Quietly and with far more contentment than I can guess I would have in the same situation. The week after Easter, his health started to really decline. A few weeks ago he entered hospice care. My 5 other brothers and sisters all gathered together on my birthday and we celebrated at the hospice. My sister Kim from Michigan was there. Kevin came from Tampa. It was a good night. Kregg smiled. He enjoyed the attention and the company. We talked. We laughed and at the end of the evening we stood in his room, held hands and my brother Kevin led us in prayer. I think . . . no I know it was the first time we ever prayed together (aside from our dinner time prayers of course ~ and even then I am not sure we were all ever together to do that). It was a sweet and wonderful evening. A gift I will always cherish. So now a few weeks later (that was May 23rd), Kregg has declined quite a bit. He is thin. No really really thin. He sleeps most of the time and doesn't speak a lot. He gets a significant amount of pain medicine and some days he doesn't even know who I am. It's been a few days since I have been there (I had endeavored to go every day, but finally realized, I can only do what I can do). So I took the time. I am thankful for my sister Sue who is here and who has been amazing in Kregg's journey. Tomorrow morning I will go back and see my brother. I don't know what I will find. I don't know if he will know I came. It doesn't matter really. I always go thinking it may be the last time. It is sad. But I know he is heading to a great place. He didn't live a life of grandeur here, but he will in Heaven. I don't know when God will bring him home, but in all honestly I hope it is sooner than later ~ for his sake. I will tell you, it is hard to watch. It is sad. It is so hard. It is an emotional roller coaster. But there is hope and I know it. And so does Kregg. I don't think he is worried about what will happen to him the second his heart stops beating. Do I think he wanted to die so young? You better believe he didn't. It is his story though and one we all have a part in. I tell you all of this not for your pity or sorrow. This journey has been a blessing in so many ways. I know Kregg would say that too. I tell you this to give you an update ~ because you wonder and you have asked. We have become a better and stronger family through this. I am so thankful to my parents who created an environment for 6 kids to work together for 1 - it has brought us closer. So in summary, please pray for Kregg - that his pain would be minimal. Pray for my parents. I can't comprehend how hard it would be to lose a child - no matter the age. Pray for Kregg and pray for all of us that we may continue to make the right choices regarding his care. Pray for my brother Kris, who is losing not only his brother but his very best friend in the world. Honestly, it is him who I worry about the most. But I know . . . God's ways are bigger. They are higher. He has a plan and I trust Him completely. I don't need to worry about my other brother. I need to trust in the one who created them both and loves them far more than I ever could. And I do. 

Hospice

Kim, Kris, Kregg, K. Sue, Kevin and Kelly
May 23, 2011
Hospice, Cumming, GA 

Happy Birthday

Tomorrow is Kregg's 52nd birthday. Today he returns to the doctor to hear if there are any more radiation or chemotherapy options for the new cancer they have found in his brain. It has been two years since his first diagnosis. He has done extremely well considering all the treatment he has had. He is able to live with my brother Kris and has been able to live his normal life. The survival rate for his type of cancer at two years is 30% so we feel extremely blessed that God has answered our prayers for protection and healing. He has a family that loves him and we believe that God is in control. This brings us much peace. We celebrate Kregg's birthday with much gratitude to God for his 52 years with us.

Opportunities and Choices

Thursday, December 16, 2010.  We arrived at "Radiology" right on time. The fish in the aquarium didn't notice the dark, cold, spitting rain we walked through to get to the warm hospital lobby.
Kregg checked in with the front desk. He showed the woman a piece of paper and told her he was supposed to get some kind of shot. She told him to take a seat and someone would be with him shortly.
He had sat in the lightly worn blue lobby chairs and waited before. He strolled over casually hoping that he wouldn't have to wait long. He didn't bother taking his hat or his coat off.
I sat down next to him and asked to see the piece of paper he had shown the woman upon arrival. He handed me the folded paper from the back pocket of his baggy wranglers. As I opened it, I could see it was given to him by Dr Reddy his oncologist. It had written on it that he had a consultation with Dr Park in Radiology on December 16th for an ablation. I didn't know what an ablation was, but I quickly looked it up using my iphone. Main Entry: a-'bla-shen. The process of ablating: surgical removal or by melting or vaporization. Kregg had told me that Dr Reddy said there had been a "spot" found on the cat scan in his abdomen area the week before and that he was going to recommend getting an ablation which was like getting a shot.
Hoping to prepare Kregg for a consultation and not a procedure, I told him that I did not think that he was going to be getting the shot today. I was sure since we had never met with this doctor before that the doctor would want to decide for himself if Kregg was a good
candidate for an ablation. Kregg was not happy to hear that he had to just come to the hospital to talk to another doctor. "Why can't they just give me the shot?" "Why do they have to always talk to me and have me fill out more paperwork?" I let him complain and carry on a few more minutes then I looked at him and said, "You don't have to do any of this. You don't have to have anything done. You have a choice." He was quiet and leaned back in his chair as he adjusted his hat on his head.
After a long wait, we saw Dr Park, the radiologist, and he explained to Kregg that he had a 3 cm tumor in his adrenal gland. The options were to do nothing; to freeze it; or to burn it. His recommendation was to freeze it which would require a procedure that would come with some, but little risk and an over night hospital stay.
Dr. Park said he could perform the procedure before or after Christmas. Kregg elected a date after Christmas. We left knowing that the doctor's office would call Kregg to confirm either
December 28th or December 29th for the procedure.
The morning took much longer than either of us expected and Kregg didn't get a shot, but got another opportunity to extend his life from a Radiologist with an offer to perform an ablation. At some point opportunities and options will run out for Kregg. I am thankful he has made the choice to accept the treatment. It reminded me that everyday each one of us has opportunities and choices to make. My hope is I am not too busy complaining about something and miss the opportunities God has planned for me along the way to enrich my life.

The Wait

Kregg has been through 6 weeks of whole brain radiation, 6 weeks of lung radiation, numerous rounds of chemotherapy and now is scheduled for gamma knife surgery on August 31st. We have met many excellent doctors, nurses, specialists and healthcare providers since Kregg was diagnosed July 10, 2009.  He has received treatment from - Northeast Georgia Medical Center, Northside Hospital Forsyth, St Joseph Hospital, North Georgia Radiation Center, and Spectrum Neurosurgical Specialists.  Because he can not drive, he has relied on his family and friends to take him to all of his appointments. Because he does not have an income, he has relied on our country's medicaid program for the cost of all treatment.
I am thankful for all the care, concern, and assistance that Kregg has received. He certainly is blessed. I remind him of this everytime we have to wait and we wait a lot. There is the wait for his name to be called, the wait for the nurse, the wait for the doctor, the wait for the phone call, the wait for the results, the wait is just part of the process. I have learned to wait...and I am thankful for learning that waiting is a blessing.

The Candles

As we gathered around the dinner table Christmas Eve, we lit a candle in rememberance of family and friends that God had chosen to be with Him this year. There was a candle for John's dad, David Neal Hurst who passed away on May 9th; a candle for Rod's father - James Earl Laughlin...who went quickly on May 14th; a candle for our 17 year old friend Erin Sullivan who on May 31st spent her last day on earth; and a candle for my sweet, sweet Grandma Edgcombe who went to heaven on June 20th just weeks before her 97th birthday.
The flames from the candles flickered and we drew comfort from the light as we remembered the lives and memories they represented. We rejoiced knowing that each one of our loved ones had been given the gift of eternal life based on their belief in Jesus Chirst as their savior.
After we finished our meal and the leftovers were put away, I made a point to tell Kregg that we did not want to light a candle for him next year. With much conviction he said, "Don't worry. I'll be here." His emphatic response surprised me a bit, but then I remembered Psalm 23:4 - " Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; and your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  Kregg demonstrates hope, courage, peace and faith through his journey with cancer...his shadow of death. Psalm 23:4 abounds with assurance of God's guidance and protection... not only for Kregg but for all of us.

Christmas Eve 2009, Kris Miller, Sue Hurst, Kelly Laughlin, and Kregg Miller

Thanksgiving Has New Meaning

Kregg has every reason to complain, to be frustrated, and to be angry with his life circumstances. He has every right to worry about his future and have regrets. He could ask for just about anything and anyone of us in his family would make a way for him to have what he wanted.

But…he doesn’t.

I have every reason to be grateful, to be joyful, content, and to live life each day as a precious gift.

But…I don’t.

I asked Kregg this week, how is it that you are so easygoing, laid-back, and content? Do you think it is your nature? Did you just decide one day that you would accept your circumstances no matter what? He thought for a minute and then told me that he used to worry about things and get mad, but he learned it didn’t do any good. He said he doesn’t remember an event or place in time when he made that decision. I shared with him that I recently decided that I wanted to be more like him….to be content in all circumstances. He smiled and gave me one of his Kregg smiles. 

I can only imagine that God is smiling too. Instead of being an ungrateful child of His, I have decided that I will be content in every circumstance, knowing that God is in control. I now pray earnestly asking for genuine contentment…wanting only what I have. I have learned by starting my day in prayer, thanking God for the privilege of having another day to live…for having a husband that loves me for who I am…for four wonderful, healthy, God loving children… for a successful career…a beautiful home…a fantastic circle of friends and family…and a disease free body…that Kregg is right. It doesn’t help or change anything to complain, criticize, worry, and try to control or allow other people to bother me. Contentment isn’t about having more or less nor having my way. It’s about wanting only what I have. Kregg has been an example of this to me as I watch him live day to day with his cancer.

I am grateful to have Kregg as a brother. He is my role model for being content in all circumstances. If he can do it, certainly I can too.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Victory

Through the lens of how our society views “success”, Kregg is viewed as a “failure”.


He never went to college.
He never worked in a job with business cards, titles, perks or promotions.
He never bought a house.
He never married.
He never had children.
He doesn’t have an insurance policy.
He doesn’t have a ROTH, IRA or a 401K.


In the lens of eternal life, Kregg has everything. And he has more than most.


He has a family that loves him unconditionally.
He has a God that sent his son to die for his sins and he is forgiven.
He has a place in heaven.
He has eternal life where there are no colleges, careers, homes, marriages, or bank accounts.


God will take Kregg home. There will be no will, no estate, no fancy casket, and no long precession of cars to follow. Those that know him and love him will be there to celebrate the time we had with him and will know that he is in the arms of his heavenly father.


Although our society may think otherwise....it is not what we do, how we look or what we have that makes us successful. My brother doesn’t have a framed degree, a corner office, a son going to Harvard, a BMW, a country club membership or a healthy body. But, he has all that he needs. Success is temporary, but victory is eternal. Kregg has chosen eternal victory.

It's a girl... 5 pounds,10 ounces

Last week Kevin came up from Tampa to take Kregg to his chemo appointments. On one of their trips to the infusion center, Kevin asked Kregg if there was anything he had not done in life that he still wanted to do. Kregg thought for a minute and said, “No…I was hoping to catch the biggest fish this year and I did that last Tuesday.” He proceeded to tell Kevin how he had caught a 5 pound, 10 ounce bass in the pond behind their house. He was as proud as a father would be announcing the birth of a child.
On our way back to his house today from his doctor's appointment, I asked him if he had taken a picture of the fish he caught. He said he had and when we arrived back at the house he quickly went inside to show me the picture. I was on the deck when he brought out the 4 x 6 framed picture to share with me. In the picture, there was Kregg holding the fish.  I told him it was a great picture of him. He told me that he thought the fish was pregnant and that he had thrown it back in the pond after the picture was taken. I wanted to capture the pride I saw in his eyes as he talked.  Catching that 5 pound, 10 ounce girl fish filled him with pride and joy.
As I drove away, I thought about how proud I was of my brother. He wears his cancer well. He does not fear the disease or his unceartain future.  I am thankful I am his sister. I pray he has many more fish pictures to show me and many more fish stories to tell.

Lovable?

When Kregg was first diagnosed with cancer, I asked him if he knew that his family loved him. Without hesitation, he said "yes." I could tell by how quickly he answered that he was confident in knowing that we loved him.

Quite honestly, I had to ask him because over the years he has not been easy to love. For most of his adult life he has showed little interest in anything other than alcohol and tobacco. He has not cared for himself. At times he has been embarrassing and difficult to be around. None the less, we loved him and he knew we loved him.

This morning I realized that many of us are no different. We make it hard for others to love us by what we say and do...or by what we don't say or don't do. We also make it difficult for God to show us His love he has for us. We know God loves us and always will but we cause him pain because we wont let Him love us like he wants to love us. We keep at a distance. I know that God wants to pour His love on me. I want to be lovable. I don't want to miss the one true perfect love relationship God offers through his Son Jesus Christ. I want Kregg to know how much I love him and...of all things... cancer has allowed him to be more lovable.

Side Effects:A Real Smile

Kregg had his first three day cycle of chemo this past week. He reported no nausea or dreadful side effects. After day two, he actually told Kris he felt better than he had in a very long time! He was notably "up" the day I took him to the infusion center. He joked with the receptionist and the nurse. The pharmacist stopped by to check on him and he proudly told her that he wasn't having any complications from the "poison" she had warned him about. On day one she had gone into great detail about all the possible side effects. On this day he was smiling because he could tell her that he had no side effects. I took it all in...my brother was smiling....my bald brother was smiling and was happy. I realized it had been a long time since I had seen a real smile from my brother. It is a true blessing that he does not have side effects, but it is also a blessing that he can smile....really smile. I don't know how long he has to live, but each day that he physically and emotionally feels better is a true blessing and an answer to many prayers.

"It"

Mike, my cousin had just arrived. Dad, Rod and John were drawn to the sitting room television watching a Tiger Wood's putt. James, Hannah, Drew, John M and Samantha were jumping on the trampoline trying to see who could out bounce the other. Mom, Kelly and I were in the kitchen talking about David's reaction to his first birthday party the night before. While the crowd of friends sang Happy Birthday to David he tried desperately to disappear into his high chair and make all the attention go away. Precious.
Kris and Kregg arrived. They were on time. This was the first time we had seen Kregg since his hair had fallen out. As we greeted my brothers, we made reference to Kregg's new look. I touched his bald head reflecting on what it represented....three weeks of daily whole brain radiation. It had been 5 weeks since Kris had taken him to the emergency room and they found five tumors in his brain. It, the cancer, would change our family. Of course, "It" really is God. God has changed our family. With Kregg's cancer God has written a prescription that is allowing our family to heal and become healthier than we ever have been. Kris and Kregg are sober. Broken relationships are being restored. God's prescription is powerful, but His medicine must be taken as prescribed to work. This morning I read Proverbs 4 vs 20-23 and I knew I was reading God's prescription label for "It". I hope you will read "It's" prescription label for your life today.

David Laughlin, First Birthday, August 14, 2009.

To Do List

I told Kregg on our way back to Kris's house after his radiation treatment on Friday that he was going to have to put "arrange for 5 days of transportation" on his "to do list" for next week's treatments. In a joking manner I told him it would give him something to do and keep him busy. He joked back with me that if he had a "to do list" he would forget where he put it. I laughed because life is just one big "to do list" for me. Kregg and my life could not be more different when you compare how we spend our time. He spends a lot of time alone without a list of things that "need" to be done. He doesn't have a schedule that has him going in 15 different directions today and wondering if he'll make it. He rests without interruption.
When mom and dad called to find out how things went with Kregg, I shared with them that he seemed to be doing well except for an itchy scalp and burning ears. Kregg planned to talk to the doctor on Monday about what he may be able to do to relieve these new symptoms...until then he thought he would try taking Benedryl. It had been a very busy week for me...a longer than usual "to do list" with four kids to get ready to start school next week and a full time job to manage. My parents sensed I was tired when we talked. I told them that I longed for just 4 hours of alone time on a raft in a pool without someone calling my name needing something. After we said goodbye and I hung up the phone, I realized that I would last about 15 mins by myself on a raft with someone not needing me. I can't sit quietly anywhere without giving into the desire to do something. I wonder, if I knew that my life was being threatened what would I do differently? Kregg knows his life is fragile and yet he chooses to do what he has always done. He lives it one day at a time with no sense of urgency and with minimal needs and wants. We all have choices on how we live and so I look at my "to do list" not as much as an enemy today but as a reminder of all the people that need me...and as a reminder of how much I need them.

Before Radiation and Chemo

This is the most recent picture of Kregg taken just about a week before we learned he had cancer and obviously before treatment started. He has had 6 radiation treatments and approx 6 more to go. He has gained 7 lbs since this picture. This weight gain is a result of the steroids he is on for his brain tumors.

He is scheduled to start Chemo on August 17th. Mom and Dad will be here for most of that week.

An Invitation

My sister Kelly, my cousin Mike and a friend took turns providing transportation this week for Kregg to and from his radiation treatments. Besides making him tired, the treatments seem to be going well.

I called to extend an invitation to Kregg and Kris to my house for dinner on Sunday since work and family kept me from spending any time with them this week. Kris told me that he has been cooking meals fit for a king for Kregg. Kregg has gained 4 pounds since last week... a combination of Kris's good cooking and an increased appetite from one of his medicines. Not that I am a good cook, but I thought they might enjoy someone else doing the cooking for a change. I do not know if they will accept my dinner invitation or not.

Over the years I have invited them over and they don't answer my invitation. I never know if they will show up or not....usually not.

As I was driving home from work yesterday I thought about how God invites each one of us to spend time with Him. He invites us to have a personal relationship with Him. He invites us to spend eternal life with Him and yet we often ignore the Creator of life's invitations. Do we really only show up when it is convenient for us? I know I don't always show up when He wants to spend time with me. I don't always RSVP when He offers to feed me. Do you?

The Goal

"The goal is to be as aggressive as possible." These are the words of the oncology doctors as they make decisions with regards to Kregg's treatment.

Kregg started his radiation treatment on Monday. He will have daily radiation treatments for at least two weeks. Kregg is eager and willing to be treated aggressively.
I am not a doctor, but my goal is to be aggressive as possible as well. I want to be aggressive in pursuing my heavenly Father through prayer for peace and comfort and wisdom to know how to be the sister Kregg needs right now. For the past 30 years, there hasn't been a relationship between Kregg and I. We had very little, if any, mutual interests. Through the years, we saw each other only once or twice a year at family gatherings.

Since Kregg's diagnosis, I have leaned on God to guide me. He has given me an opportunity to have a new relationship with my brother. I know that it is never too late for anyone to aggressively pursue God or to pursue any broken relationship that exists in our lives....we just need to aggressively rely on God and ask Him to pave the way.

Today

Today, I am grateful for the love and care Kregg is being shown. Friends, family and people who have not even met Kregg are praying, offering services, giving encouragement, providing care and assistance to Kregg. The attention he has received the past three weeks is truly a genuine outpouring of love. In this world... for many of us love can be confusing. Love from others often becomes conditional. The capacity for someone else to love us the way we were designed to be loved can only be filled by God's love. And yet, we search and search for acceptance and love in so many places that will never lead us to God.
Today, I am thankful for the family God gave Kregg. He is loved unconditionally.
Today, I am grateful that Kregg has access to a health care system that gives him access to the best doctors, nurses, social workers, case workers, non profit resources, and countless volunteers even though he does not have a penny to his name.
Today, I am grateful for the times I spend with Kregg. By his choice, there have been no tears. There have been "moments" and something to laugh about each time we are together. I hold these moments and the laughter close and will never forget them.

The Knowing and the Unknowing

We know Kregg has cancer. We do not know how long he has to live. For now he chooses to live where he is the happiest with his brother Kris. We do not know how long Kris will be able to care for his brother. Together they have decided to fight for life. They have made the decision to face the daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute struggle away from addiction. We know that this is a battle in it self. We know that when Kregg gets to the end of his life on earth as he knows it now, he will be greeted by his heavenly father with a new body. He will not have anymore pain, addiction, personal wars to fight, or needs that are not met. We are grateful for whatever time God decides we have left with Kregg and we rest on the peace knowing that he will have eternal life.

Kregg, Sue and Kris

Tuesday

One out of three Americans will develop cancer. One out of four males and one out of three females will die of cancer. 60% of cancer deaths can be prevented by not smoking, proper diet, exercise and screening.

Please love yourself for the ones that love you.