The Candles

As we gathered around the dinner table Christmas Eve, we lit a candle in rememberance of family and friends that God had chosen to be with Him this year. There was a candle for John's dad, David Neal Hurst who passed away on May 9th; a candle for Rod's father - James Earl Laughlin...who went quickly on May 14th; a candle for our 17 year old friend Erin Sullivan who on May 31st spent her last day on earth; and a candle for my sweet, sweet Grandma Edgcombe who went to heaven on June 20th just weeks before her 97th birthday.
The flames from the candles flickered and we drew comfort from the light as we remembered the lives and memories they represented. We rejoiced knowing that each one of our loved ones had been given the gift of eternal life based on their belief in Jesus Chirst as their savior.
After we finished our meal and the leftovers were put away, I made a point to tell Kregg that we did not want to light a candle for him next year. With much conviction he said, "Don't worry. I'll be here." His emphatic response surprised me a bit, but then I remembered Psalm 23:4 - " Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; and your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  Kregg demonstrates hope, courage, peace and faith through his journey with cancer...his shadow of death. Psalm 23:4 abounds with assurance of God's guidance and protection... not only for Kregg but for all of us.

Christmas Eve 2009, Kris Miller, Sue Hurst, Kelly Laughlin, and Kregg Miller

Thanksgiving Has New Meaning

Kregg has every reason to complain, to be frustrated, and to be angry with his life circumstances. He has every right to worry about his future and have regrets. He could ask for just about anything and anyone of us in his family would make a way for him to have what he wanted.

But…he doesn’t.

I have every reason to be grateful, to be joyful, content, and to live life each day as a precious gift.

But…I don’t.

I asked Kregg this week, how is it that you are so easygoing, laid-back, and content? Do you think it is your nature? Did you just decide one day that you would accept your circumstances no matter what? He thought for a minute and then told me that he used to worry about things and get mad, but he learned it didn’t do any good. He said he doesn’t remember an event or place in time when he made that decision. I shared with him that I recently decided that I wanted to be more like him….to be content in all circumstances. He smiled and gave me one of his Kregg smiles. 

I can only imagine that God is smiling too. Instead of being an ungrateful child of His, I have decided that I will be content in every circumstance, knowing that God is in control. I now pray earnestly asking for genuine contentment…wanting only what I have. I have learned by starting my day in prayer, thanking God for the privilege of having another day to live…for having a husband that loves me for who I am…for four wonderful, healthy, God loving children… for a successful career…a beautiful home…a fantastic circle of friends and family…and a disease free body…that Kregg is right. It doesn’t help or change anything to complain, criticize, worry, and try to control or allow other people to bother me. Contentment isn’t about having more or less nor having my way. It’s about wanting only what I have. Kregg has been an example of this to me as I watch him live day to day with his cancer.

I am grateful to have Kregg as a brother. He is my role model for being content in all circumstances. If he can do it, certainly I can too.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Victory

Through the lens of how our society views “success”, Kregg is viewed as a “failure”.


He never went to college.
He never worked in a job with business cards, titles, perks or promotions.
He never bought a house.
He never married.
He never had children.
He doesn’t have an insurance policy.
He doesn’t have a ROTH, IRA or a 401K.


In the lens of eternal life, Kregg has everything. And he has more than most.


He has a family that loves him unconditionally.
He has a God that sent his son to die for his sins and he is forgiven.
He has a place in heaven.
He has eternal life where there are no colleges, careers, homes, marriages, or bank accounts.


God will take Kregg home. There will be no will, no estate, no fancy casket, and no long precession of cars to follow. Those that know him and love him will be there to celebrate the time we had with him and will know that he is in the arms of his heavenly father.


Although our society may think otherwise....it is not what we do, how we look or what we have that makes us successful. My brother doesn’t have a framed degree, a corner office, a son going to Harvard, a BMW, a country club membership or a healthy body. But, he has all that he needs. Success is temporary, but victory is eternal. Kregg has chosen eternal victory.

It's a girl... 5 pounds,10 ounces

Last week Kevin came up from Tampa to take Kregg to his chemo appointments. On one of their trips to the infusion center, Kevin asked Kregg if there was anything he had not done in life that he still wanted to do. Kregg thought for a minute and said, “No…I was hoping to catch the biggest fish this year and I did that last Tuesday.” He proceeded to tell Kevin how he had caught a 5 pound, 10 ounce bass in the pond behind their house. He was as proud as a father would be announcing the birth of a child.
On our way back to his house today from his doctor's appointment, I asked him if he had taken a picture of the fish he caught. He said he had and when we arrived back at the house he quickly went inside to show me the picture. I was on the deck when he brought out the 4 x 6 framed picture to share with me. In the picture, there was Kregg holding the fish.  I told him it was a great picture of him. He told me that he thought the fish was pregnant and that he had thrown it back in the pond after the picture was taken. I wanted to capture the pride I saw in his eyes as he talked.  Catching that 5 pound, 10 ounce girl fish filled him with pride and joy.
As I drove away, I thought about how proud I was of my brother. He wears his cancer well. He does not fear the disease or his unceartain future.  I am thankful I am his sister. I pray he has many more fish pictures to show me and many more fish stories to tell.

Lovable?

When Kregg was first diagnosed with cancer, I asked him if he knew that his family loved him. Without hesitation, he said "yes." I could tell by how quickly he answered that he was confident in knowing that we loved him.

Quite honestly, I had to ask him because over the years he has not been easy to love. For most of his adult life he has showed little interest in anything other than alcohol and tobacco. He has not cared for himself. At times he has been embarrassing and difficult to be around. None the less, we loved him and he knew we loved him.

This morning I realized that many of us are no different. We make it hard for others to love us by what we say and do...or by what we don't say or don't do. We also make it difficult for God to show us His love he has for us. We know God loves us and always will but we cause him pain because we wont let Him love us like he wants to love us. We keep at a distance. I know that God wants to pour His love on me. I want to be lovable. I don't want to miss the one true perfect love relationship God offers through his Son Jesus Christ. I want Kregg to know how much I love him and...of all things... cancer has allowed him to be more lovable.

Side Effects:A Real Smile

Kregg had his first three day cycle of chemo this past week. He reported no nausea or dreadful side effects. After day two, he actually told Kris he felt better than he had in a very long time! He was notably "up" the day I took him to the infusion center. He joked with the receptionist and the nurse. The pharmacist stopped by to check on him and he proudly told her that he wasn't having any complications from the "poison" she had warned him about. On day one she had gone into great detail about all the possible side effects. On this day he was smiling because he could tell her that he had no side effects. I took it all in...my brother was smiling....my bald brother was smiling and was happy. I realized it had been a long time since I had seen a real smile from my brother. It is a true blessing that he does not have side effects, but it is also a blessing that he can smile....really smile. I don't know how long he has to live, but each day that he physically and emotionally feels better is a true blessing and an answer to many prayers.

"It"

Mike, my cousin had just arrived. Dad, Rod and John were drawn to the sitting room television watching a Tiger Wood's putt. James, Hannah, Drew, John M and Samantha were jumping on the trampoline trying to see who could out bounce the other. Mom, Kelly and I were in the kitchen talking about David's reaction to his first birthday party the night before. While the crowd of friends sang Happy Birthday to David he tried desperately to disappear into his high chair and make all the attention go away. Precious.
Kris and Kregg arrived. They were on time. This was the first time we had seen Kregg since his hair had fallen out. As we greeted my brothers, we made reference to Kregg's new look. I touched his bald head reflecting on what it represented....three weeks of daily whole brain radiation. It had been 5 weeks since Kris had taken him to the emergency room and they found five tumors in his brain. It, the cancer, would change our family. Of course, "It" really is God. God has changed our family. With Kregg's cancer God has written a prescription that is allowing our family to heal and become healthier than we ever have been. Kris and Kregg are sober. Broken relationships are being restored. God's prescription is powerful, but His medicine must be taken as prescribed to work. This morning I read Proverbs 4 vs 20-23 and I knew I was reading God's prescription label for "It". I hope you will read "It's" prescription label for your life today.

David Laughlin, First Birthday, August 14, 2009.

To Do List

I told Kregg on our way back to Kris's house after his radiation treatment on Friday that he was going to have to put "arrange for 5 days of transportation" on his "to do list" for next week's treatments. In a joking manner I told him it would give him something to do and keep him busy. He joked back with me that if he had a "to do list" he would forget where he put it. I laughed because life is just one big "to do list" for me. Kregg and my life could not be more different when you compare how we spend our time. He spends a lot of time alone without a list of things that "need" to be done. He doesn't have a schedule that has him going in 15 different directions today and wondering if he'll make it. He rests without interruption.
When mom and dad called to find out how things went with Kregg, I shared with them that he seemed to be doing well except for an itchy scalp and burning ears. Kregg planned to talk to the doctor on Monday about what he may be able to do to relieve these new symptoms...until then he thought he would try taking Benedryl. It had been a very busy week for me...a longer than usual "to do list" with four kids to get ready to start school next week and a full time job to manage. My parents sensed I was tired when we talked. I told them that I longed for just 4 hours of alone time on a raft in a pool without someone calling my name needing something. After we said goodbye and I hung up the phone, I realized that I would last about 15 mins by myself on a raft with someone not needing me. I can't sit quietly anywhere without giving into the desire to do something. I wonder, if I knew that my life was being threatened what would I do differently? Kregg knows his life is fragile and yet he chooses to do what he has always done. He lives it one day at a time with no sense of urgency and with minimal needs and wants. We all have choices on how we live and so I look at my "to do list" not as much as an enemy today but as a reminder of all the people that need me...and as a reminder of how much I need them.

Before Radiation and Chemo

This is the most recent picture of Kregg taken just about a week before we learned he had cancer and obviously before treatment started. He has had 6 radiation treatments and approx 6 more to go. He has gained 7 lbs since this picture. This weight gain is a result of the steroids he is on for his brain tumors.

He is scheduled to start Chemo on August 17th. Mom and Dad will be here for most of that week.

An Invitation

My sister Kelly, my cousin Mike and a friend took turns providing transportation this week for Kregg to and from his radiation treatments. Besides making him tired, the treatments seem to be going well.

I called to extend an invitation to Kregg and Kris to my house for dinner on Sunday since work and family kept me from spending any time with them this week. Kris told me that he has been cooking meals fit for a king for Kregg. Kregg has gained 4 pounds since last week... a combination of Kris's good cooking and an increased appetite from one of his medicines. Not that I am a good cook, but I thought they might enjoy someone else doing the cooking for a change. I do not know if they will accept my dinner invitation or not.

Over the years I have invited them over and they don't answer my invitation. I never know if they will show up or not....usually not.

As I was driving home from work yesterday I thought about how God invites each one of us to spend time with Him. He invites us to have a personal relationship with Him. He invites us to spend eternal life with Him and yet we often ignore the Creator of life's invitations. Do we really only show up when it is convenient for us? I know I don't always show up when He wants to spend time with me. I don't always RSVP when He offers to feed me. Do you?

The Goal

"The goal is to be as aggressive as possible." These are the words of the oncology doctors as they make decisions with regards to Kregg's treatment.

Kregg started his radiation treatment on Monday. He will have daily radiation treatments for at least two weeks. Kregg is eager and willing to be treated aggressively.
I am not a doctor, but my goal is to be aggressive as possible as well. I want to be aggressive in pursuing my heavenly Father through prayer for peace and comfort and wisdom to know how to be the sister Kregg needs right now. For the past 30 years, there hasn't been a relationship between Kregg and I. We had very little, if any, mutual interests. Through the years, we saw each other only once or twice a year at family gatherings.

Since Kregg's diagnosis, I have leaned on God to guide me. He has given me an opportunity to have a new relationship with my brother. I know that it is never too late for anyone to aggressively pursue God or to pursue any broken relationship that exists in our lives....we just need to aggressively rely on God and ask Him to pave the way.

Today

Today, I am grateful for the love and care Kregg is being shown. Friends, family and people who have not even met Kregg are praying, offering services, giving encouragement, providing care and assistance to Kregg. The attention he has received the past three weeks is truly a genuine outpouring of love. In this world... for many of us love can be confusing. Love from others often becomes conditional. The capacity for someone else to love us the way we were designed to be loved can only be filled by God's love. And yet, we search and search for acceptance and love in so many places that will never lead us to God.
Today, I am thankful for the family God gave Kregg. He is loved unconditionally.
Today, I am grateful that Kregg has access to a health care system that gives him access to the best doctors, nurses, social workers, case workers, non profit resources, and countless volunteers even though he does not have a penny to his name.
Today, I am grateful for the times I spend with Kregg. By his choice, there have been no tears. There have been "moments" and something to laugh about each time we are together. I hold these moments and the laughter close and will never forget them.

The Knowing and the Unknowing

We know Kregg has cancer. We do not know how long he has to live. For now he chooses to live where he is the happiest with his brother Kris. We do not know how long Kris will be able to care for his brother. Together they have decided to fight for life. They have made the decision to face the daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute struggle away from addiction. We know that this is a battle in it self. We know that when Kregg gets to the end of his life on earth as he knows it now, he will be greeted by his heavenly father with a new body. He will not have anymore pain, addiction, personal wars to fight, or needs that are not met. We are grateful for whatever time God decides we have left with Kregg and we rest on the peace knowing that he will have eternal life.

Kregg, Sue and Kris

Tuesday

One out of three Americans will develop cancer. One out of four males and one out of three females will die of cancer. 60% of cancer deaths can be prevented by not smoking, proper diet, exercise and screening.

Please love yourself for the ones that love you.

Sunday

This past week, my brother, Kregg was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. He spent a week in the hospital patiently and willingly going thru many evaluations, tests and talking with numerous doctors as they poked and prodded trying to find the primary source of five metastasised tumors they discovered in his brain. He was released from the hospital on Friday after a lung biopsy confirmed our worst fears. Kregg's journey with living each day with cancer has just begun. Amazingly, my brother is calm and in no pain.